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You need to consider getting temporary car insurance. If you're British you'll get it from

I’m your car. I know how you drive. You go too slow uphill and two fast downhill and you are lousy at judging the right speed for taking curves. You seem to think that “share the road” doesn’t apply to you, particularly on narrow roads where you prefer to split the difference by straddling yellow. Put together, these issues would seem to identify a person who might have a little trouble driving in the mountains. That’s why I was shocked to find out that you are planning a trip to Colorado because you have always wanted to visit the state you that have more than once referred to as “the bumpy one”.

Are you insane?!

Look, I like you. I really do. You park me in the garage, you keep up with my maintenance, and you even give me a bath now and then. And apart from that partially spilled cup of decaf latte that I have almost entirely forgiven you for, you have cared for my inside as well as my outside. (Everyone knows it’s what’s inside that counts.)

So why do you want to screw up this good vibe between us by dragging us both through the Rockies when that is exactly the kind of behaviour that is bound to result in me getting up close and personal with a tree or a boulder or some other piece of nature that neither of us is particularly adept at recognizing, much less avoiding. Let’s face it, you’re a city girl who is perfectly comfortable zipping through bumper-to-bumper traffic at 70 miles per hour but who might best be described as a flat earth society driver.

Between you and me, Columbus was dead wrong on that score.

The point is that cars like me were not meant to be driven on any terrain with any incline in excess of 2 degrees. Well, technically, that’s not entirely true. I don’t mind coasting down a gentle slope but it turns out it’s hard to find a gentle downhill slope that isn’t accompanied at some point by an uphill slope of equal or greater value. Forget it. Give me the Bonneville Salt Flats over the scenic California Pacific Coast Highway every time. Look, if it’s scenery you want, watch the National Geographic Channel. You get cable, right? And speaking of scenery, cars are not meant to co-exist with any of those obstacles nature never fails to put in our way. Cars are mechanical wonders and, as such, sometimes we draw the ire of Mother Nature who unfairly blames us for Global Warming. Mother Nature needs to stop believing everything Al Gore tells her. The fact is that, while cars used to be responsible for a lot of pollution, nowadays our emissions are way less than they used to be. When was the last time you heard about anybody cashing in their chips by choking themselves on car exhaust? It can’t be done.

It’s much easier to buy the farm by hitting a tree or a rock or driving off a cliff. Get my meaning?

Anyway, I know you have your reasons for wanting to go to Colorado. I just think you should consider my feelings first. Of course, it’s your choice. You’re the driver and I’ll go wherever you point me.

So at least consider getting temporary car insurance first. Rocks and trees are not to be trusted

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